i was looking for something nice i wanted to do for a friend
but realized i was only acting on the obligatory impulse
that seizes me at least once a minute, hour, day, week
and that pattern of always putting something else before me
results in repressed rage remorse resentment; what a routine
so i stopped and googled “what to do for yourself”
found a website search engine optimised to target
girls clawing their ways of existentialist nihilism
the first action item gives me pause
so i start at the second:
list 5 things you like about yourself
number one: i am wicked smart
like, no shade but this brain of mine is a marvel
in how fast and efficiently it finds its footing
on even the unsteadiest psycho-emo-logical ground
number two: i am versatile
in bed and out of it, my body does not know stillness
i’m a restless dreamer with fingers reaching for more
ADD can sometimes suck but at least i’m not a bore
number three: my words hit nerves
i don’t know if that’s as much a humble brag as it is
a crucial problem i face on a daily basis
i don’t speak like anyone i know
i don’t write like anyone i know
i don’t think like anyone i know
i am trying to learn how to do it on purpose
purpose is the only thing i have chased
walked, trodden, ran, raced
and now it’s here i realise
i wanted it to feel different
i wanted to not look at a cigarette
rather than continue making the choice to quit
i want my spine straight in photographs
but bent when i sit
i want realisation without actualisation
i want to see the light, not to be lit
a mind suffering from severe insecurity
finds stability in rationalisation
first-born unicorn
Red Hot Chilli Peppers
hardcore soft porn
dream of californication
number four: i am a fool in love
i love some things more than everything
i love most things less than nothing
i give my heart to love
and let it do as it pleases
and love never ceases
to give it back in pieces
but isn’t that the way to be?
loving like i love
because i can only love as me
number five: i am happy
i am happy for the first time
because it comes from within
not an external validator
aces don’t need an examinator
coat me in transparent resin
or drop me in a laminator
love all you want, lover
hate all you want, hater
because i am perfect