5 things i like about myself

i was looking for something nice i wanted to do for a friend
but realized i was only acting on the obligatory impulse
that seizes me at least once a minute, hour, day, week
and that pattern of always putting something else before me
results in repressed rage remorse resentment; what a routine

so i stopped and googled “what to do for yourself”
found a website search engine optimised to target
girls clawing their ways of existentialist nihilism

the first action item gives me pause
so i start at the second:

list 5 things you like about yourself

number one: i am wicked smart

like, no shade but this brain of mine is a marvel
in how fast and efficiently it finds its footing
on even the unsteadiest psycho-emo-logical ground

number two: i am versatile

in bed and out of it, my body does not know stillness
i’m a restless dreamer with fingers reaching for more
ADD can sometimes suck but at least i’m not a bore

number three: my words hit nerves

i don’t know if that’s as much a humble brag as it is
a crucial problem i face on a daily basis

i don’t speak like anyone i know
i don’t write like anyone i know
i don’t think like anyone i know

i am trying to learn how to do it on purpose
purpose is the only thing i have chased

walked, trodden, ran, raced
and now it’s here i realise
i wanted it to feel different

i wanted to not look at a cigarette
rather than continue making the choice to quit

i want my spine straight in photographs
but bent when i sit

i want realisation without actualisation
i want to see the light, not to be lit

a mind suffering from severe insecurity
finds stability in rationalisation

first-born unicorn
hardcore soft porn
dream of californication

Red Hot Chilli Peppers

number four: i am a fool in love

i love some things more than everything
i love most things less than nothing

i give my heart to love
and let it do as it pleases
and love never ceases
to give it back in pieces

but isn’t that the way to be?

loving like i love
because i can only love as me

number five: i am happy

i am happy for the first time
because it comes from within
not an external validator

aces don’t need an examinator

coat me in transparent resin
or drop me in a laminator

love all you want, lover
hate all you want, hater

because i am perfect

 

Boombai Nagariya

Listen, there’s a thousand Bollywood songs about Bombay.
About the Californication of it all.

Bollywood lyricists love and use Bombay as a theme with the same load-bearing intensity that Anthony Kiedis does with California.

There’s a thousand songs about the dreams it makes real.
But none captures the loser experience as well as this one.

Hazy Shade of Winter

Heard Gerard Way’s cover of this song on The Umbrella Academy, and it’s been a favorite ever since.

“Carry a cup in your hand

Look around
Leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter”

– Paul Simon

Aunty Hero

if i am the problem
i am the solution

if i am the tyrant
i am the revolution

so yeah, right
i’m the problem it’s me

in the meantime
i could also kiss me

finance

hounded by guilt and shame
in fury, in flame
i entered the classroom of finance
there was a toll and a tax
to be paid for the fact
that i’ve managed to survive
be alive, be alive, be alive

took my seat shook my feet
in terror of defeat
to the spectre of yester

“Where will she hide?”
“In whom, confide?”
“Attention!” “Attention?!”
“ATTENTION!JESTER!”

——-

Suffice it to say, I learned nothing about the tax regime that day.

shame

i should behave myself
i should do nothing of the sort

there is no correction to be made
there is no absolution of guilt

the existence of a feeling is not an aberration
the void in your soul is not a hole to be filled

it’s just a hole so touch it
feel its non-existence touch it
smell and lick the nothing touch it

breathe in the life
breathe in the life

my effervescent soul

let me suck the love out of you
like a vampire and feed it to

the black hole in my heart

let me taste your hidden grace
and take it away
take it away

take it away

but my effervescent soul won’t stand for this
no, my effervescent soul will stop this kiss

help me get close to a rising star
and bake me in their sun fire

this train’s been running late from the start

help me survive this game that
i shouldn’t have played
shouldn’t have played

shouldn’t have played

but my effervescent soul will refuse your aid
no, my effervescent soul gets to my head

what does one do
what does one say

how does one stop
making mistakes

how does one hear
the heart and its fear

and turn away
turn away

turn away

from the pain?

0/0/0

i resent computers not allowing me
to enter a birthday before the 20th century

i am much, much older than that, Adobe Acrobat
i am older than the form of print you choose to eliminate
i am older than language, than poetry, than prose
i am older than a name, i am older than a rose

so by what power in whose command?
can you tell me a birthday like 0/0/0 will not stand?